and I am so exhausted
from all the waiting.
So when I sigh it into the crook of your neck,
Believe that your spine is a timber frame,
Your kiss a welcome mat,And your enveloping arms my front door
There are icicles inside my chest cavity
that freeze a little harder whenever I step into a packed room.
The only way to thaw them
is by leaving.
And no one will ever know how many times I go over
and over an event after it’s happened
like Orion crosses the sky repeatedly every night,
always moving from one patch of stars to another.
There are certain avalanches that could never compare
to the shaking of my hands when I meet someone new,
or the cross-country race of my heart
whenever I’m simply invited to a party.
Inside my bones, I swear there are instruction manuals
inscribed on my marrow for how to avoid social disasters.
It’s written in my DNA.
I wish my voice knew how to sing
instead of whisper or mumble.
I wish all this anxiety were a darkness
I could actually learn to see through,
instead of some never-ending night with no electricity..
1. He’s going to taste like sugared coffee
on a cold winter day in December,
listen when they tell you caffeine is addicting;
when he leaves, coffee will taste like regret.
2. Tearing yourself apart will never
put yourself back together; you will only be left
shredded like paper and you will wonder why
the wind keeps blowing your fragments away.
3. It’s okay to be the mouse in your group,
be quiet. But do not be gentle when he tries to
kiss you after you say no.
4. You can run all you want,
but you’ll never be fit enough to win the race
of outrunning your past.
5. Count your blessings like they were gold
and discard the bad like it was trash.
6. You are only human and your heart will flutter
when he smiles and you will fail that consumer’s ed
test that everyone else passes and you’re going
to hate physics and life is going to keep coming at you
like the kids in your P.E class during dodgeball,
even after your knees are bruised from falling,
but no matter what
do not ever
to be human.
You are not a piece of land to be split into acres or provinces
that can be easily sold off to the highest bidder.
Instead, you are here to stay, no matter how much
every pulse of blood feels like an anxiety attack
or a sledgehammer tearing down a dilapidated building
covered in peeling paint and cobwebs.
There’s a reason Noah’s ark stayed afloat during the flood:
because it was filled with animals whose hearts
were so clear and light that they buoyed up the ship
through even the heaviest and darkest of waters.
You don’t have to be a carbon copy of those other hearts,
or even made of carbon: just be the best you can be,
made of silver slowly making its way into gold
that someone else will want to spend ages panning through.
If you try to take a nap now, you’ll never want to wake up,
or want to see what the world is like at 3AM
when everyone else is asleep but somehow
you are still able to see in the dark.